Dealing with Disappointment

This has been brewing for me since Easter last year.  I have thought a lot about disappointment over the years and I really entered in to it last Easter.

It’s so key to so many things—how you handle disappointment—I don’t know how you see it, but for me disappointment clouds relationships, faith, hope, drive and so on. 

I gave my life to Christ in 1993 and almost immediately was drawn to cross cultural living—I felt that all my life, I have been made to live in another culture.  I was drawn to the foreign exchange students in school and growing up in Houston, I had lots of access to international foods, people and goods and I always was drawn to them.  I studied French and was passionate about the all the extra curricular activities surrounding the foreign language clubs!  I even chose cultural anthropology and African American studies for my degree at university.

So, when I met Jesus and found out about the Great Commission and God’s heart for the whole world, I knew I was supposed to be a missionary.  In the same year, I came to faith, was baptized and went to Urbana, the student missions conference. I devoured missionary biographies and was drawn to serving internationally in any capacity.

I could go on, but you get the picture.  20 years, 1 husband, 3 children and a score of short term experiences later, I finally land in Uganda for at least 3 years, if not more.  To my surprise and disappointment, being a missionary is not ANYTHING I thought it would be.  It is so tiring, confusing and I have never felt so un-Christian in my whole life.  I spend a lot of time being grumpy and admittedly feeling sorry for myself—is there any job harder than being a missionary mama?  (yes, I think, refugee mama…)  I spend a lot of my time telling people no and to go away.  Wow, where is the sharing life together and I have my hoe and we are digging and sharing cross culturally???  Language lessons failed and the timeline has not worked out ANYTHING like I thought.  I thought things would be linear and growth and change would be evident and I would be fluent in Rukiga and loving and dancing and just everything Ugandan.

 Well, it turns out I am totally American—sound bite and scheduled living do not prosper in a place where greetings alone are 10 minutes, parties and church services are typically 3-7 hours, late and people tell long and detailed stories.  It’s a pretty formal place, but so welcoming to visitors and especially foreigners and somehow they always know I don’t come from here, so we are put in the front a lot and given lots of special attention, which honestly is draining and awkward.  I thought we could just blend in and listen and learn.  Rather we are expected to be the expert and patron of many projects and dreams…

Finally, the daily strain of living with lots of physical work and so many interruptions from kids, to neighbors and visitors leaves almost no margins, time to reflect or time to really engage with … anyone.  That was a big surprise and disappointment.

Of course, other, unexpected gifts have come and there are so many precious treasures and nuggets from living in Uganda, BUT this blog is about disappointment, so I will not linger on the positive!

So, Easter 2012.  Finding Christ in my disappointments.  Why do I still follow after these years when Jesus or this life of faith doesn’t always meet my expectations?  We have friends who have fallen away completely or have gone the way of the Christian atheist or the polite with God way, keep him at a distance, but still going through the motions.  How do people in the Bible respond when God doesn’t meet their expectations or answer their prayers how they thought it should be answered.

What would I say?

Sarah, Abraham’s wife was barren until her 90’s “Really, Lord? Now, I get a baby?”

But God has eternity in mind and with Abraham and Sarah and through them launched the promise of eternity and to be with the people FOREVER.  And He is.

What about the Lord’s parents—a time of joyful engagement and God interrupts with the announcement that Mary is chosen to bear Jesus and Joseph gets to be the step father.  “Lord, I was REALLY looking forward to being married.  To a party. To the wedding.” “But Lord, the shame.”  I think I would wrestle with disappointment!  But God has eternity in mind and gave Himself so we could be with Him FOREVER.

So often the disciples were met with unfulfilled expectations and disappointments.  Even John the Baptist asked the Lord, is it you or should we expect another?   Even Jesus met disappointment when his followers did not get things, when the people wouldn’t believe and at one point right before He died, He laments about Jerusalem and how He longed for them like a hen and her chicks.  I once was watching the gathering of Revivalists outside my gate—I wasn’t able to go to the meetings b/c of sick family and they were in Rukiga anyway and I was feeling like such an outsider and having so much love and not able to engage in a culture and the Holy Spirit spoke those words to me "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing" and I was surprised as I had not thought of the disappointment of Jesus—I think I always thought he was frustrated… 

What I am finding since last year is that I am meeting the suffering Christ. Psalm 22, the story of the Cross and the wrestle with faith like John the Baptist have taken on a deeper meaning.  John Thurlow sings a song that has ministered to me so much, so I end on this note.  Thurlow sings over and over, “Blessed is he is who is not offended in me” I am not offended in Christ and He has given Himself and I do find Him enough—finally, I can say that.  He IS enough.

John the Baptist