On fear and faith...

I wanted to write this in process because I am in the middle of walking through this struggle and I want to remember how God is with me in this.

Moving to Uganda has brought many surprises—good and bad.  One of the biggest surprises for me personally has been the surfacing of fear.  That has really caught me off guard and I am wrestling with it! 

Little by little fears are being dealt with as the unknown becomes known and things are starting to seem normal in our new life.

Two of my biggest struggles are fear of boat trips and fear of driving in the rain, especially on muddy roads over all these beautiful and treacherous volcanic hills.  Well, we live near a gorgeous lake and our team likes to go to an island that requires a boat trip.  Also, here in Uganda, people love to visit each other in the “village”  We get many offers for us to come and it is a great honor for us and for them to have visitors, so you can imagine the struggle I am experiencing with wanting to love our friends, but for me it is a huge risk.  It is for them to, but they are used to living by incredibly large faith.  I am not sure if an African would feel the same coming by plane to New York, but certainly these visits are way out of my comfort zone and yet here we are living not only a dream, but responding to God’s call on our life.  Sigh, didn’t expect to wrestle so much with fear!

A few weeks ago, I was reading the stories of Winnie the Pooh with the kids and Chapter 8, in which Piglet does a very grand thing jumped out at me…

“The wind was against them now, and Piglet’s ears streamed behind him like banners as he fought his way along, and it seemed hours before he got them into the shelter of the Hundred Acre Wood and they stood up straight again, to listen, a little nervously, to the roaring of the gale among the treetops.

 ‘Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?’

  ‘Supposing it didn’t, ‘ said Pooh after careful thought.

 Piglet was comforted by this and in a little while, they were knocking and ringing very cheerfully at owl’s door.

My whole life I have been willing and wanting to go anywhere and do anything—big dreams and a big desire to meet and love people and walk with them and honor their struggle and stories, never even thinking about the danger with everything—even one time I was pregnant with Mallory and we went as a family on a tiny Cessna to visit a remote jungle sight in Ecuador and I was just excited.  So, this is new and uncomfortable and humbling—I am so thankful because it just feels like God is pulling out things that maybe were deep in me?  I don’t know or maybe it’s getting older? 

So, thinking about Piglet was comforting for a bit and then I slipped back into some worrying and then Palm Sunday we went to church and sang the hymn “I surrender all” and I did.  Usually, I surrender most or some, but that day I just threw myself to the Lord and gave it all to Him—just sick of going back and forth and up and down—I just want to be free to live!

Well, that day, the team wanted to go to the island.  Dang it!  A test so soon?  It is the rainy season, but to our delight, in the tropics, there is still a lot of sun.  Storms come and go, so we quickly gathered and got on our way to the lake.  I was so excited and free and enjoyed the boat ride, which was new.  We had a great day, met these amazing people from Europe who were on vacation and loving the peace and safety of Uganda as they are serving as diplomats in Burundi.  Then, a storm came, but it was time to go.  So, at the dock, the boat came up and said we could beat the dark storm coming and the other lovely family joined us (they had a toddler and baby and were going in a dug out canoe, but had to join our motor boat due to the storm).  I wrestled with my fear and just waited on God to meet me in it—He did.  Mallory was a bit scared, as was Lucy because of the rain, but at one point, Mallory was laying in my lap, closing her eyes and singing “I surrender all” Thank you God for children who show us how to live free!  It was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in my life.

In the midst of all of this, God has been drawing me back again and again to His love.  I have been spending time in Song of Solomon and reading it with the perspective of God and me—the Beloved.  Wow.  That is hard to imagine, but I am trying to wrap my mind around it.  Also, the songs I have been drawn to lately are by a lovely lady, Misty Edwards who I now realize draws a lot from the Song of Solomon.  Thank you, Lord.

We had a great team time in which Travis led us through a passage on suffering as we are in Easter week and thinking about the suffering of Jesus.  It was really good and we reflected on some practical ways to walk out the passage from Peter’s letters in the Bible.  Mine was about renewing my mind on suffering—one translation writes “Beloved” and then goes on to talk about suffering and I do feel like God was speaking to me about that.

So, another opportunity arose to trust God with all of this struggle when some of the people we admire most here invited us to the their village.  Man, couldn’t we wait a month until the rainy season is over?  So, all week I was going back and forth because Aaron would have to work and it was the day after kids were getting out of school.  There were a million reasons not to got and a million reasons to go.  The night before, Aaron and I prayed again to hear from God because if you hear from God, you just can do anything.  All He said, was, “My Grace is sufficient for you.”  Dang it—no promises of easy and safe travel—some times He will, but not this time.

So, our team, minus Aaron set out on a foggy morning.  I thanked God there was no rain that night, so the roads wouldn’t be saturated and I prayed for sunshine and mercy.  I was proud of Leslie, who was sick, but pressed on and she commented, “This is our Good Friday”  True.  Surely, Jovahn who had been to the U.S. and has had many visitors wouldn’t ask us on a treacherous journey?  Look at he and his wife—they are grandparents and have done this many times and they are fine.

No, this was a journey of faith!  I did not get what I wanted—it rained and it was a slippery, long ride home and I wrestled with fear—I am not delivered or free…

This blog is too long, so I will close with a few pictures and reflections…

-I heard God call me “Beloved” at one point—it soothed me and I knew that it was Grace that let Jesus take on the sins of the world and it is the same Grace that lets me do things that are terrifying to me. 

I am not through this.  As much peace and grace as I experienced on that trip, I came home and my first thought was, I will never leave this house again.  Sigh.  But,  I know that God is with me and He calls me Beloved and I know that He took care of Aaron and He took care of our team—Travis is my new hero for driving those roads and Leslie pushed on despite being sick.  I am proud of all the kids who also push past their discomfort and played and received so freely on the hills in the middle of the wilds of the “village.’  The Ugandans take the biggest prize for daily living this degree of faith—I am not worthy to live here, but I really thank God for this chance to learn and to experience the unexpected—fear, discomfort, amazing grace, love, humbling and compassion. 

-While I don’t understand the balance of risking one’s life and playing it safe, I do know it’s important to see and hear God whether we play it safe or whether we take risks.  On the way to the village, I and the kids rode with the Hines.  Mallory barfed and I had forgotten barf bags and experienced grace and forgiveness from our teammates J…On the way home, I rode in Jovahn’s 4X4 truck with Mallory and Emma Shae and the Hines followed with Micah in their van.  It was absolutely painful at times—slippery, big drop offs, we would get stuck, but I watched with amazement as Jovahn and Penelope worked together, chatted and laughed gently in Rukiga and I saw a huge example of people given over to full trust in God! 

-The kids did not want to go as they were dreading being looked at and shouted out and the ride is tiring and bumpy and long.  They had the best day and it was one of their favorite times in Uganda.  They had so much fun and especially Micah was encouraged.  He saw many things that he had learned about in school and a great adventure with his buddy Jesse

Penelope receiving us with tea and bread.

Travis, Jovahn, Leslie and Lucy on the bottom...

Penelope and Jovahn with me, a grateful friend.

 -It is important to love people on their terms—anyone who knows Jovahn and Penelope loves them and it was good to visit his land and see where he had grown up in a mud hut and where Penelope had lived while Jovahn studied in the U.S. and pursued his higher education.

and the storm came

taking refuge in the church...

Jovahn with Mallory, Julia and Lucy

This was past the scary and on a better part of the road.

-Again, I learned from Mallory as I held her in my arms—she slept peacefully after she and Emma Shae were playing and having a good time as we slipped here and there down the mountain! Penelope took her granddaughter in the front and Emma Shae laid in their daughter Constance’s lap—a sweet picture of the Ugandan hospitality and generosity. Unbelievable!

A swamp and some papyrus!

Systems

Part of what is disorienting about moving to a new country, is learning new systems.

Moving from the U.S. to Uganda means the changing of many systems, including...

money

language, including Ugandan English, which I just chuckled when I saw a Longman's East African English dictionary--I love English around the world!

shopping

roads

time

and so on...

 I still am pondering all of this, so these are just unfinished thoughts and opinions.  Please, please do not hear ANY criticism, that is not my point, I am just sharing from a newcomers perspective and I would HATE it if any of our dear friends or this culture would be offended.  That being said--it is very different to live here for this U.S. girl :).

A few stories...

When we first moved here, it was difficult to even recognize systems.

Shopping.

Our first few weeks, we could not recognize shops or figure out how to get products because everything looked run down or was covered in red dust or mud depending on dry or rainy season.  Now, sorry if that sounds critical, it is not meant to in any way--this is just the foreign eye "talking."

Clean is a cultural issue and that is clear when people travel--what is clean and unclean varies country to country.  What is organized and systematic varies from country to country...

So, we were used to the supermarket and from buying things in neat,  organized, overwhelmingly --abundant settings--loads and loads of marketing influences how we make decisions.

Here, it is relationships that determine what and where you buy.  We had a friend take us around to get some basics when we first came and he took us to the people he knew.  Now, anywhere in the world there is the phenomenon of back to back stores or stalls with the same goods--how do you make decisions on where to buy.  In the U.S., it's usually marketing, brand loyalty, convenience.  I repeat, here it is relationships!  Interesting.

As we have begun to recognize stores, goods--I can't even describe for those who have not experienced it how to shop here.  Even coming from Kampala, a friend said she would just shop at the supermarkets there and load up a truck--yes, you could find things here, too, but it would be easier (for the westerner) in Kampala.  At the time we did the best we could, but it still seemed crazy not to buy set up items locally--like mops, brooms, cleaners, etc...   Ugandans by and large do not have use for or money for many products--no kitchen gadgets, no several sets of dishes, sheets, no appliances, and so on--contrast the HUGE amounts of stuff in the western world.  They use things until they wear out and then they repair them and then they get rid of them--brilliant--like my grandmothers used to do.

Leslie and Julia getting umbrellas.

Well, now we know what she meant--it's like a huge rummage sale or garage sale or scavenger hunt to find things.  Shops are tucked away or people are selling things in forms we would not immediately recognize.  Things are here this week and not the next.  A common phrase from sellers--check back tomorrow, next week, they told me they were bringing it...

It's great--like a materialism detox and cleansing :)....

School shoes.  There is a store here in East Africa that sells pretty good shoes (hard to beat good ol' western shoes made in China for quality)  Well, there is a small stand in the market that sells a limited supply of these shoes (Bata).  There is also a HUGE used shoe market and many, many shoe sellers around town--it's like a town pasttime to polish, clean and repair shoes.  Labor is cheap and I am repairing so much more than I would have in the U.S.--largely b/c of the hassle of me, the novice, trying to find new, quality products.

So, bought the kids shoes--they must be black for the uniform requirements.  Well, Micah ended up not wearing his and somehow got away with it, so I wanted to take him to buy shoes at the market when the school year began in Feb.  Took us 2 tries and a lot of complaining and bribing (he hated shopping in U.S.), but I finally was able to trade in his new pair of shoes for a more comfortable ECCO brand shoes--pretty good.  The first time we went to the market, they were over charging me big time--like 2 or 3 x's as much.  I argued--"I know these brands and I wouldn't even pay that price NEW in the U.S.!!" I even called my friend during the transaction to find out what she would pay. Then I found some other people willing to come down to Ugandan, local prices and THEN I came up with the idea to trade in his other shoes as he had worn them twice--what a deal!!

shoe stall

the parking lot

Emma Shae's velcro was beginning to tear on her school shoes and she needed rain boots, so I finally was able to go to the market with all that I needed, order some boots from the Bata and ask if they repair shoes.  This store did not, but the salesman whistled across the parking lot (I use that term loosely--picture a tractor pull scene, only with pot holes and full of cars, bikes, sometimes animals and people--I only say this to point out that I am not USED to this scene and I just stand there staring like an idiot waiting for things to make sense :))  So, this man comes running and they confer in Rukiga and the other guy pops around the corner and comes back with another guy.  He looks at my shoes tells me he can fix them and then we agree on a price.  I thank all of these dudes and follow the last dude around the corner.




This has taken me weeks to think about and figure out and I was just amazed that in minutes, it was sorted for me.

the guy on a sunny day

THEN, I got to watch this guy work for 20 minutes on fixing the shoes with what looked like a putty knife.  We got to his "stand"--I would have never in a million years picked this out--it looked broken down and b/c of the rainy season, dirty and muddy, surrounded by a bunch of plastic sacks.  I would have passed this guy by thinking he was surrounded by broken bins and rubbish bags, but this was his equipment!  As I watched--it all has order and meaning to the insider.  He slowly and gently opened up different sacks and selected what he needed and then invited me to sit on the window sill of the store he was in front of.  I noticed a pair of flip flops and recognized that people can put those on as they get their shoes shined--I never noticed that.  He scraped, pulled and even cut using this one tool and then re-sewed the new velcro that he custom fitted and even re-sewed another part of the shoe that I guess he thought was coming apart--I didn't see it.  All for $1.50.

amazing.

So, that was such a fun day--i rarely get to sit and people watch.

The next shoe repair experience was pleasant, too.

It usually takes me about 3 days to run an unknown errand--day 1, ask around and scout out possibilities, day 2 try and fail to find product or service and day 3 possible success.

Would you look and say, "oh, they sell shoe laces"  I did!!  Yippeee!!!

So, day 3 was a score.  I had asked about shoe laces--brown ones are not just around for sale.  So, the guy told me where it was--score--across from the National Water and Sewage building, which I had to go to inquire about our water bill!  For the water bill, you don't pay there, you have a choice of 2 banks at which to pay.  Good to know.  BUT, across the street I was able to immediately recognize the place where they sold shoe laces--because there was a woman cleaning and polishing used shoes!!!  I was so excited that I went and indeed, she directed me to another man who pulled out a dirty bag full with clean, used shoe laces--success!!  I found Aaron's shoe laces AND he repaired my shoes.

That was a great place to also watch people and systems.  There was an old phone inside a plastic bag--at first glance, I just thought it was junk.  BUT, people came up, gave this lady money and she opened the plastic bag, pulled down a wire from the roof, plugged it in and people were able to get cell phone minutes.  Really? Also, there are places where you can recharge your cell phone all over town--just an outlet with many plugs and a price indicating you can charge your phone.  what, no marketing?

Also, in a cash society, I am always amazed at how people just pull change from their pockets--clerks, owners, whoever--it's a very fluid system.  I always have culture shock going into the bank where there are computers, calculators and systems to track all of this--there are about 2,400 shillings to one U.S. dollars, so everything is in the thousands.  Amazing.  You can bargain in most stores, even ones that sell in a building, not the market and people commonly round off--how do they keep track of it all?

The guy is in the center, dark blue uniform.  Note the fabric above and ropes to the left.

This shoe guy as he was repairing my leather flip flop, he would stop to sell different things. One man came and just said "sugar". My guy said a few words over his shoulder and out popped a clear bag (clearly sold from bulk) of sugar and the customer plopped his money down and left.  There is a lot of indirect communication here--raising of eyebrows or grunts of all kinds to indicate yes or no--slowly catching on to that!!!  I am wondering if this place is like a stop n go in the U.S.--I looked up at one point and saw hangers with local cloth draped over it--great, I bought 3 that I want to have baby blankets made for friends back home. Score.

Others came for phone cards and this man would smoothly and gently pull out his change from various pockets or such--I could not figure out how he kept track of it all.

My dad is an accountant, I can't wait to see what he thinks about all this reconciling.... or lack of?

Systems!  It's all there!

For those who read No. One Ladies' Detective

I laugh every time I drive by mechanics row.  There is the one street in Kabale that has mechanic after mechanic.

Here's to the apprentice's....

Across the street from mechanics row is a vocational school--it just cracks me up that there are always these young guys laying under the sign.  Again, only b/c of the description of Mr. J.L.B. Matekoni's apprentices!

 Diesel smoke...

Women of Kigezi

Leslie and Travis met this local artist and in his brochure was printed this poem.  One of the reasons I was excited about moving to a developing country was to give people a voice and to link my old and new worlds, so to speak.

I usually don't endorse fashion magazines ( can I just say why do we consume things that kill our soul?  why can't we have a fashion and beauty magazine sans materialism, commercialism and vanity???), but I have to say Marie Claire does put in some good articles about the world and interesting and thoughtful articles about women.

Aaron's mom sent us a good one from January that highlights women around the world and what they spend, including one lady from Uganda--GREAT article.

http://www.marieclaire.com/career-money/jobs/articles/womens-salaries-expenses?click=main_sr

Here is the poem...

I have often wondered
The vastness of your strength
Many a times I have pondered
The gracefulness of your movements
The calmness of your temperament
Woman of Kigezi
My beast of burden.

Before the opening of the day
Your sleep bids you bye
Your work bids you come
With thump of feet you respond
Your body strapped on back
Your basket balanced on your head
Your goat tethered in your hand
As your hoe rests on your shoulder
Woman of Kigezi
My beast of burden.

The sun is high hot
Woman of Kigezi
My beast of burden
Hoc hoc hoc your hoe goes in song
Oh the bell rings in your mind
That time is running fast
With renewed vitality
Woman of Kigezi
Of bronze you must be made
My beast of burden.

Woman of Kigezi
My beast of burden
Not even a tractor can match your speed
For the tractor is aided and guided
But you my beast of burden
Single handedly off you succeed
How I adore you
My beast of burden.

The sun gets tired
and asks the moon and the stars to take over
But you never tire my beast of burden
Basket of harvest balancing on your head
Bundle of fire wood dancing on your shoulder
With your precious hoe to give it company
Goat in hand and water in hand
As your son coos on your back
How wonderful you look
Woman of Kigezi
My beast of burden

And yet you are not done
My beast of burden
The dinner you prepare
And your household goes to bed
But still your wok has just started
To please your husband
Offering pleasures with your tired worn body
And to make more offspring
For that is your calling
When will you rest?
Oh woman of Kigezi
My beast of burden.

~ Loyce Kwikiriza

Here are some pictures--I have a hard time with photographing strangers, so sorry these are not very close all of them.  

Every morning when we go to school we pass ladies and young students who have "failed to pay school fees" as they say commonly.  They come from their gardens and they are rushing to sell their vegetables.  Here is a typical sight around Kabale--door to door vegetable selling.  It's pretty cool b/c most people buy and cook the same day, so it is a good system--fresh!

 This is one of my favorite ladies in town--she sells many things, but we buy wheat from her and then have it ground.  Leslie, Julia and I got to shop together one day.

This lady (she is in the blue kerchief, holding a customers bag for her) always gets me each morning, carefully laying out her little roadside stand.  We also pass her on the way to school.

Cute little 3 year olds from "baby class" (preschool) future women of Kigezi (name of our area)

 Ladies going home after selling their vegetables.

I still don't get how the babies stay on those backs!

There is the famous hoe and digging--so, so common.  Also, a young girl heading in to sell things.

April Fool's

 Priceless!

So, they do celebrate April Fool's in Uganda.  We had heard they pinch, but none of the kids or us got pinched.  But, they seem to send each other on fool's errands.  

2 months ago, I had thought up a couple of good April Fool's tricks, so I ran them by Precious and Medard, our friends.

Here's how it went...

Hey guys, what do you think about this for April Fool's?  Me, Aaron, Leslie and Travis get some bikes and pretend to be boda boda drivers and yell out Mukiga, Mukiga...

laughter

or, what about I drive Precious up and down the town as a boda boda driver?

Yes, you should do this.  Why don't you--yes, yes, you could do it.  (I shake my head) Why not--(they both get emphatic)--you should do it!!

no way, Jose.  Women don't ride bikes here or if you are my age, wear trousers...

So, guys, what do Ugandans do for April Fool's?  Well, we call each people up and tell them to meet us in town, but we don't show up.  (Medard shaking his head) But, don't do this to old people.  They HATE this.

Good to know.

April 1, 2011

BUT, it happened that Leslie and I were in the market on Friday.  It was such a fun morning on all levels--just us, no kids, going to run errands and finish a Christmas present from Leslie--we went to a tailor to get measured and gave him some cloth to make us tunics--isn't she a great friend?

While in the market, we saw some wigs that women regularly wear and we went halves on it and cooked up a plan that I would wear a wig that day when we picked up the kids from school.  Leslie and Aaron are good at getting Travis and I to do things like this...  It was a half day (no foolin', the first Friday of every month, they do teacher training and kids get a half day)  and so, we would get all the kids at 12:30pm.  Well, I ended up going alone b/c we finished early, but tested out the wig on the Hines household.  Got some laughs from Travis, but the Ugandan friends didn't even bat an eye--in fact, they encouraged me to wear it all the time.

So, I went for it at the school.  What do I have to lose?  I was going to stay in the car, but I got out with the other parents who were walking and line up by the gate to pick up kids.  We always get stared at anyway, so no one stared anymore than usual.  My friend Claudia, who is British had a good laugh.  It totally failed with the kids.  The younger ones laughed slightly when I whispered April Fool's, but the older kids were like, "mom, you look horrible, take it off."  The surprise bonus was one of the Indian dads looked and double looked HORRIFIED and then just shook his head and looked at the ground :).  that made it worth it all....  Not all jokes translate to all cultures.

Then, later, Aaron puts it on and gets rock star laughter and status!!  Why do quiet dads get all the laughs?  Aaron is really good at skits and gags, so I love it!!

I got sick shortly after this, so I didn't get re-inactment pictures... sorry.