I wanted to write this in process because I am in the middle of walking through this struggle and I want to remember how God is with me in this.
Moving to Uganda has brought many surprises—good and bad. One of the biggest surprises for me personally has been the surfacing of fear. That has really caught me off guard and I am wrestling with it!
Little by little fears are being dealt with as the unknown becomes known and things are starting to seem normal in our new life.
Two of my biggest struggles are fear of boat trips and fear of driving in the rain, especially on muddy roads over all these beautiful and treacherous volcanic hills. Well, we live near a gorgeous lake and our team likes to go to an island that requires a boat trip. Also, here in Uganda, people love to visit each other in the “village” We get many offers for us to come and it is a great honor for us and for them to have visitors, so you can imagine the struggle I am experiencing with wanting to love our friends, but for me it is a huge risk. It is for them to, but they are used to living by incredibly large faith. I am not sure if an African would feel the same coming by plane to New York, but certainly these visits are way out of my comfort zone and yet here we are living not only a dream, but responding to God’s call on our life. Sigh, didn’t expect to wrestle so much with fear!
A few weeks ago, I was reading the stories of Winnie the Pooh with the kids and Chapter 8, in which Piglet does a very grand thing jumped out at me…
“The wind was against them now, and Piglet’s ears streamed behind him like banners as he fought his way along, and it seemed hours before he got them into the shelter of the Hundred Acre Wood and they stood up straight again, to listen, a little nervously, to the roaring of the gale among the treetops.
‘Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?’
‘Supposing it didn’t, ‘ said Pooh after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this and in a little while, they were knocking and ringing very cheerfully at owl’s door.
My whole life I have been willing and wanting to go anywhere and do anything—big dreams and a big desire to meet and love people and walk with them and honor their struggle and stories, never even thinking about the danger with everything—even one time I was pregnant with Mallory and we went as a family on a tiny Cessna to visit a remote jungle sight in Ecuador and I was just excited. So, this is new and uncomfortable and humbling—I am so thankful because it just feels like God is pulling out things that maybe were deep in me? I don’t know or maybe it’s getting older?
So, thinking about Piglet was comforting for a bit and then I slipped back into some worrying and then Palm Sunday we went to church and sang the hymn “I surrender all” and I did. Usually, I surrender most or some, but that day I just threw myself to the Lord and gave it all to Him—just sick of going back and forth and up and down—I just want to be free to live!
Well, that day, the team wanted to go to the island. Dang it! A test so soon? It is the rainy season, but to our delight, in the tropics, there is still a lot of sun. Storms come and go, so we quickly gathered and got on our way to the lake. I was so excited and free and enjoyed the boat ride, which was new. We had a great day, met these amazing people from Europe who were on vacation and loving the peace and safety of Uganda as they are serving as diplomats in Burundi. Then, a storm came, but it was time to go. So, at the dock, the boat came up and said we could beat the dark storm coming and the other lovely family joined us (they had a toddler and baby and were going in a dug out canoe, but had to join our motor boat due to the storm). I wrestled with my fear and just waited on God to meet me in it—He did. Mallory was a bit scared, as was Lucy because of the rain, but at one point, Mallory was laying in my lap, closing her eyes and singing “I surrender all” Thank you God for children who show us how to live free! It was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in my life.
In the midst of all of this, God has been drawing me back again and again to His love. I have been spending time in Song of Solomon and reading it with the perspective of God and me—the Beloved. Wow. That is hard to imagine, but I am trying to wrap my mind around it. Also, the songs I have been drawn to lately are by a lovely lady, Misty Edwards who I now realize draws a lot from the Song of Solomon. Thank you, Lord.
We had a great team time in which Travis led us through a passage on suffering as we are in Easter week and thinking about the suffering of Jesus. It was really good and we reflected on some practical ways to walk out the passage from Peter’s letters in the Bible. Mine was about renewing my mind on suffering—one translation writes “Beloved” and then goes on to talk about suffering and I do feel like God was speaking to me about that.
So, another opportunity arose to trust God with all of this struggle when some of the people we admire most here invited us to the their village. Man, couldn’t we wait a month until the rainy season is over? So, all week I was going back and forth because Aaron would have to work and it was the day after kids were getting out of school. There were a million reasons not to got and a million reasons to go. The night before, Aaron and I prayed again to hear from God because if you hear from God, you just can do anything. All He said, was, “My Grace is sufficient for you.” Dang it—no promises of easy and safe travel—some times He will, but not this time.
So, our team, minus Aaron set out on a foggy morning. I thanked God there was no rain that night, so the roads wouldn’t be saturated and I prayed for sunshine and mercy. I was proud of Leslie, who was sick, but pressed on and she commented, “This is our Good Friday” True. Surely, Jovahn who had been to the U.S. and has had many visitors wouldn’t ask us on a treacherous journey? Look at he and his wife—they are grandparents and have done this many times and they are fine.
No, this was a journey of faith! I did not get what I wanted—it rained and it was a slippery, long ride home and I wrestled with fear—I am not delivered or free…
This blog is too long, so I will close with a few pictures and reflections…
-I heard God call me “Beloved” at one point—it soothed me and I knew that it was Grace that let Jesus take on the sins of the world and it is the same Grace that lets me do things that are terrifying to me.
I am not through this. As much peace and grace as I experienced on that trip, I came home and my first thought was, I will never leave this house again. Sigh. But, I know that God is with me and He calls me Beloved and I know that He took care of Aaron and He took care of our team—Travis is my new hero for driving those roads and Leslie pushed on despite being sick. I am proud of all the kids who also push past their discomfort and played and received so freely on the hills in the middle of the wilds of the “village.’ The Ugandans take the biggest prize for daily living this degree of faith—I am not worthy to live here, but I really thank God for this chance to learn and to experience the unexpected—fear, discomfort, amazing grace, love, humbling and compassion.
-While I don’t understand the balance of risking one’s life and playing it safe, I do know it’s important to see and hear God whether we play it safe or whether we take risks. On the way to the village, I and the kids rode with the Hines. Mallory barfed and I had forgotten barf bags and experienced grace and forgiveness from our teammates J…On the way home, I rode in Jovahn’s 4X4 truck with Mallory and Emma Shae and the Hines followed with Micah in their van. It was absolutely painful at times—slippery, big drop offs, we would get stuck, but I watched with amazement as Jovahn and Penelope worked together, chatted and laughed gently in Rukiga and I saw a huge example of people given over to full trust in God!
-The kids did not want to go as they were dreading being looked at and shouted out and the ride is tiring and bumpy and long. They had the best day and it was one of their favorite times in Uganda. They had so much fun and especially Micah was encouraged. He saw many things that he had learned about in school and a great adventure with his buddy Jesse
| Penelope receiving us with tea and bread. |
| Travis, Jovahn, Leslie and Lucy on the bottom... |
| Penelope and Jovahn with me, a grateful friend. |
| and the storm came |
| taking refuge in the church... |
| Jovahn with Mallory, Julia and Lucy |
| This was past the scary and on a better part of the road. |
-Again, I learned from Mallory as I held her in my arms—she slept peacefully after she and Emma Shae were playing and having a good time as we slipped here and there down the mountain! Penelope took her granddaughter in the front and Emma Shae laid in their daughter Constance’s lap—a sweet picture of the Ugandan hospitality and generosity. Unbelievable!
| A swamp and some papyrus! |





